Clearing of Haze
There is a strange kind of grief that comes when you realise someone can care about you deeply and still not be able to love you the way you need. I think that is what I have been grieving all along. For the longest time, I thought I was grieving Nikhil. Then I thought maybe I was grieving the future I imagined with him. Then I thought maybe I was just attached to the feeling of being loved, protected, chosen. But after everything that has happened in the last few days, I think the truth is more complicated than all of those things. I loved him. Deeply. Honestly. In the kind of way where you don’t just love the person, you begin to love their world too. Their family. Their routines. Their childhood stories. Their silences. The atmosphere around them. I think somewhere along the way I had unknowingly started imagining myself inside his life permanently. Not loudly. Not dramatically. Just quietly. Like someone who had already emotionally moved furniture into a house she never really live...
