Nikhil’s Playlist

Nikhil’s Playlist

This therapist is seeming to be a sham. 

But I promised so I must persevere.

There are certain songs that remind me of him so hard that I can’t hear them for 5 seconds before breaking into a sweat and anxious breathing. 

Here is a list of his favourite songs that I’d saved because these songs carried memories for him and whenever we’d sit down he’d tell me the anecdotes for each song and I’d love listening to him share. 

Songs that he heard when we first came to see me at khan, songs I’d sent to him on a CD on our first anniversary, songs that played in airforce parties that he attended as a kid when lights went out, his love for RD Burman which has now become my favourite too because it’s associated to him somehow. 

When I see these songs I graze my thumb over the name like one grazes their hands over a picture of someone they lost, with longing and love, but I don’t have it in me yet to hear it without being reminded of him and his smiles and laughters and stories. After our goa trip I got a t shirt which had lines of a song that he sang at mike’s, ‘Country roads take me home’, and I can’t seem to wear that tee anymore, it just is so uncomfortable.

Ajeeb jagah pe hun, I want to fuse myself with you but also be away. Everyday I fight the urge to text you, reach out to you, and the only thing that holds me back is the promise, and maybe also the fear of you not acknowledging me. So many time I wanna feel your warm hands in mine or touch your lips like I used to, or just kiss your eyes and feel you kissing my forehead. Beautiful dreams and wishful thinking ka collaboration

Ajeeb jagah pe hun, I want to fuse myself with you but also be away. Everyday I fight the urge to text you, reach out to you, and the only thing that holds me back is the promise, and maybe also the fear of you not acknowledging me. So many time I wanna feel your warm hands in mine or touch your lips like I used to, or just kiss your eyes and feel you kissing my forehead. Beautiful dreams and wishful thinking ka collaboration

From Do wah Diddy to papa kehte hai to love potion no 9 to Elvis and pink floyd. Kahan nhi hai yeh insaan? Na chahte hue bhi Har jagah hai yeh.

Sent me ‘sealed with a kiss’ before I left for that god awful Lucknow. There are times when I just want to burrow myself in his arms and my face in the crook of his neck and just sleep, but I’d rather live the memory again than expect this because this time they’ll be arms of a stranger, of a man who’s in love with another woman, a taken man, and I can’t anymore. My system is too fried to proceed with all this anymore. 

To my ‘ Happy Together’ , wish we were real. 

Take Care and be Happy. 

Happy Birthday in advance. 

Stupid me, socha itne saal arzoo ko uske bday pe text karte the despite her blocking you, ek dafa toh shayad mujhe bhi karenge. Hahaha. 

But I told you long time back you’re my arzoo jaana. 

So yes, belated happy birthday. 

May this year bring happiness, health, peace of mind, success and prosperity to you.