Intertwined

 Aisa kya kar Diya hai aapne?

Kya kiya hai ki zehen se nhi jaate!?

Meri zindagi ke Har ek cheez mein you’ve been a part of chahe main chahun ya na chahun!

Our threads have become so intertwined that everything I stitch has a thread of you and it hurts! It hurts because I don’t want to be the only one reminiscing! I don’t want to be the only one stopping in her tracks when she smells your perfume and knows you’re around! Who’s reminded of instances randomly and needs to psych herself because breaking down in pubic isn’t an option! Who like an idiot has kept your T-shirt in a zip lock bag so it doesn’t lose your smell!!!!!

I wanna be done 

I wanna be happy

I wanna stop crying myself to sleep 

I don’t want to be annoyed with love 

I don’t want to think of us whenever I see Sulaiman and Hürrem 

You’ve done everything that you could to get out of my life. My heart. My mind. But yeh Jo permanent marker se likha tha Aapko isko mitana chahti hun but I’m failing and it’s tiring. 

When I was with you that was a fight. A fight for us, between us, about us, and what not. And ab? Ab it’s a fight to not remind myself of you, if I am reminded then not to break down, not to think of you, to keep afloat because I can’t risk to drown. Ab toh bilkul nahi. And this 5 years of fighting has made me exhausted. 

You know why Sulaiman and Hürrem remind me of you n me? 

Yeh Dekho.

I tried not to watch the show. Stopped it.

Phir bhi ek dafa chalte waqt tumhari khusboo aayi aisa laga my heart stopped. 

Tum ja chuke ho. Aur jante hun ki uske saath bahut khush ho. May you be happy. 

But mere dil aur zehen se chale jao I beg you. Aur I don’t care about my self respect kyunki last time I begged it was for survival coz I knew it’d kill me and I don’t wanna die. 

Please please go away! Main aur rona nahi chahti! 

I wanna be happy. I wanna get out of bed happy and look forward to the day not dreading the sunrise because I don’t know how long I can bear this torture. 

I don’t want you back. 

Tum nahi chahiye mujhe. 

I realised you stop having any feelings for me the day you wanted to be intimate with me infront of another man because you were someone who used to button up my coat in Istanbul. I didn’t realize it then when you said it but I do now.

Main bas is yaadon ke khandar se bahar aana chahte hun! Mujhe bhi haq hai to be happy and to seek happiness but this fucking tomb of our relationship has chained me to the corpse of us and I wanna be free like you are! I wanna be loved like you are by her! I don’t wanna be the only one making tally marks on the walls and counting days to die. 

No. 

I just want to be loved. I’ ve forgotten how it feels to be loved and taken care of and cherished and desired. I want someone to hold me tenderly too. Someone to say that they missed me. 

Just go Nikhil please. Chale jao😭

I’ve started to manifest that I get in an accident and forget the last 6 years so that this pain stops!!

Get out of my heart! My mind! My skin! My soul! 

Din ba din bardasht karna mushkil hota ja rha hai. Kaash jaise main nikli hun tumhare andar se tum bhi nikal jao takı agli baar tumhe dekhun toh bhagun nahi. Dil itna teez na dhadke that it feels like it’d break my rib cage and come out. Jitne shaant, collected, aur unaffected tum the waise ban jaon. Bhagwaan kare khud pe itna control kar paon.