Ve Kehde Paase Jaiye Sajjna

Nikhil,

Bahut Mann karta hai ki kabhi tumhe acche se gale laga paon. Ki bas Aapka haath apne dono haathon ke beech mein rakhun aur so jaon. I used to love sleeping like that.. 

but I’m scared not just bcoz you’re another woman’s man but also because I know it wouldn’t ever feel like what it did pehle and that’d take another thing away from me.

Apne haathon ka khayaal karte ho? I know you hate moisturisers but I hope you aren’t peeling your skin anymore from around your fingernails.. socks pehente ho? Thand jaldi lag jaati hai aapko and Mausam bahut badal raha hai.

You know I’ve expressed myself better with music.. 

yeh Sunna agar Mann kiya..

Jaiye Sajna 

I’m shedding everything. I cannot be living like this baby. I love you a lot. I do. But I can’t be like Wanda from avengers na.. creating a world which doesn’t exist. I am aware about the reality of things and us. 

Aur yeh redundant hai coz we don’t have any future saath. I know you well enough to know you’ll never let arzoo go and come mere pass. Even if you ever did which it highly unlikely I don't wanna be the other woman anymore. 

It’s a tussle between the pasts and it’s interesting, (I say interesting coz I can’t think of any other word at 4am)

One who used to say:
“oye mera panda”, “aaja mere paas”, “acchi lag rahi hai”

And the other one…
Who didn’t want me around.
Who said Arzoo knows you and everything better.
Who didn’t want my opinion.
Who made me feel like I was just an uncomfortable and unwanted person.
Who at one point was disgusted holding my hand.
The same fucking hands that you kissed in Bangalore and called them beautiful.

I think another reason why I am running away isn’t just because of my word to you, I think it’s because I know that even after we speak you’ll go back to her and main Abhi tak December se heal nhi hui hun. Aur ab khud ko theek karne ki Himmat nhi hai, earlier even when I didn’t have anyone to help me I helped myself but I’m tired now.

I wish us both happiness. And I wish myself peace. Or anything that makes he happy again. Anything that makes me sleep at night and look forward to my day. And a love that stands by me, cherishes me, protects me, becomes my shangri-la. 

I wish it was you jaana. I really do. I love you a lot, but it’d be me living in a fools paradise if I didn’t acknowledge and accept the reality. 

I wanna forget you and her, I don’t want to remember 17 January and become uncomfortable, I don’t wanna see a ring and remember how I searched for the ring that never existed, at 4 am after my flight, while you gifted her one on her birthday. I wanna be able to listen to ‘Kya Mujhe pyaar hai’ without knowing its context in your life with her, and changing it in 20 seconds. I don’t want to be anxious and uncomfortable at the sight of red roses. I don’t want my heart to stop beating every time it feels you’re around. 

You know serving your plate, moisturising your hands, remembering how you life your coffee, memorising your subway order, noticing your reaction to things, noticing how you had that childlike excitement every time you learned something new, knowing how much you loved someone remembering tiny details, there is so much.. all this was my love language. I loved making you laugh! Seeing you roll your eyes.. kissing your nose, doing silly things just to see you smile, have you pull me roasted yourself and hug me, kissing my forehead.. they were my love language. I don’t think you’d remember but in Mumbai when we’re were intimate, you asked me why, you asked me why I wanted it and I said because it was you and that’s true. 

Staying these three months away from you, a lot came to light. Many things that I didn’t have the nazar or the neemat to see, but I’m starting. It’s gonna be hard to leave the shore and swim to the other side but I think it’s time. Physically repulsive lagta hai when another guy comes as a candidate to the place I had kept you at, and I swear I tried to swallow it, but a slight movement towards me wanted me to run back into your arms and just wanting you to hide me from all this and keep me with yourself. 

But it’d get a little crowded with the three of us,  ;)

I’ll always remember arzoo in that selfie you sent me of you and hers. Selfies you hated with me. Guess mera karm sırf aap dono ko milana tha, but ismein khud ko bali ka baqra kyun banana pada I’ll never understand. If you both are meant to be together I wish you all nice things jaana, but yeah I can never be your friend. You were right about it. I tried and it killed me, seeing to go to her place after meeting me. I swear it was a massacre.

I goofed up and so did you. I am learning to accept that both these things can co-exist. There can be love and there can be absolute chaos as well, that doesn’t diminish either of what we both felt at some point of time in our relationship. So this is where I am.

Still loving him.

Still grieving him.

Still remembering everything in painful detail.

But also knowing:

I deserve to be chosen.

I deserve to be known.

I deserve to not feel like an option.

And maybe that’s the hardest kind of love.

The one where you don’t stop loving…

You just stop going back.