Pulling the plug

Today didn’t start heavy.

I just saw a photo on Instagram. Prachi had posted something from a puja.For a second I thought—did they buy a new house?  But then it clicked. Bonnie had already told me he had bought one.

So that means… they’ve moved out.

And that one thought was enough to set everything off in my head. My mind immediately went back to something he had once said—  that maybe he would move out because it felt like the right thing to do after everything.

At that time, I didn’t really get it. Now I think maybe I do.

Maybe it’s about not wanting to feel like an extra.  

Maybe it’s about space.  

Maybe it’s just what people do when things change.

Maybe it’s how Nikhil processes his emotions,

I don’t know.

I just know that this wasn’t sudden for him. He must have been thinking about it for a while. I congratulated them and they sounded happy. Everything seemed normal until he mentioned that Prachi had been crying—  that it felt like her bidai had happened all over again.

And I don’t know why…but something in my chest just filled up like suddenly there was too much inside.

I even spoke to her. She sounded okay. He sounded okay. Nothing in those conversations was actually sad and yet, I just… couldn’t hold it.

I started crying.

And then my head went somewhere else.

To that house.

I started imagining it— quieter, emptier, with just his parents… and him. And I kept thinking how Bonnie and his wife were the ones who brought life into that space.  The noise, the fun, the everyday chaos. And now that’s gone. 

And then, of course, it became about him. It always somehow comes back to him. I started thinking—he must be feeling this and that and what not. So much is already happening in his life, the divorce proceeding, now then moving out. Everything is changing.

I feel like I know how he would be handling it. 

He would feel it, but quietly. He wouldn’t talk about it and would just process it in his own head, rationalise it. Tell himself that it is the right thing to do and it has to be done.

No drama. No visible sadness. Just… acceptance on the surface and rationalising his feelings by being super pragmatic of the situation in hand. I know he saw Bonnie as his kid and it would affect him quite a bit and what would also affect him is how aunty would feel after them moving out, but he’d just weigh these feelings down with logic and practicality and reaisim perhaps, you know more of what’s done had to be done kinda thing.

But then another thought comes in.

Do I even know that anymore? Or am I just holding onto the version of him I used to understand? Because the truth is—I don’t know him now. Not really. And that’s such a strange feeling. Because here I am sitting here, crying, thinking about how someone else might be feeling…and not even be sure if I’m right. And the weirdest part is that I was never a part of that house, I had no real place there, no relationship with anyone there.

And still… I didn’t want it to change. I didn’t want it to “break,” even if this isn’t really breaking because I know how much it meant— all of them together, under one roof. And I think, somewhere, I wanted that for him because I knew he’d want it too, Atleast the him I knew. I knew had things been going well in his marital life he’d want to see his younger brothers family there too and shower them with the love and care that he has been showering on RKC. He has preserved the time he’s seen as a child in his memory as the most idealistic and pure moment when his grandparents and uncles family were together under the same roof. I always told him never to move out whatsoever might happen, even when he was with Rishika. But life doesn’t stay like that.

People move.  

Homes change.  

Dynamics shift.

And I’m… not a part of any of it.

I think that’s what hit me the hardest today.

Not just that things are changing but that I’m on the outside of it all—  watching, imagining, feeling…without actually being there or a part of the dynamic in any way whatsoever, and after I cried, one thought became very clear:

I don’t want to be a silent spectator in someone else’s life anymore.

Idon’t want to feel this involved in something that has nothing to do with me. I don’t want my emotions to keep getting pulled like this.

I just want peace.

I want to move on.  

I want to stop feeling this constant emotional pull.

I want to be happy—without him being at the center of everything I feel.

I don’t know how long that will take but I decided today, till I’m constantly thinking and surrounded by things related to Nikhil this wound will never heal because they’re like me itching the scab, so I’m pulling the plug on the ventilator today. This blog which was started as a place where I shared my love and feelings for him has been turned into an embarrassing display of my feelings and a mausoleum of Nikhil and Tanvi. I’m euthanising this and this is the last blog I’ll write about him and me. 

I’m reminded of him everywhere, in songs, in music, in words, in expressions, in actors, in the way I remember him when he loved me, in his fragrance, and so much more. It’ll be hard not to vent myself out here but it’s time to remove the training wheels I guess. I don’t know how will I survive this bcoz the last 4 months have been really hard, but I know I don’t want to stay here anymore.

Don’t want to be the one who’s stuck in a time jahan ka na waqt wahi hai na log. And Madhubala once said, ‘ Ki zindagi aur maut ka dariya aisa hai ki aadmi ek baar usse laang jaaye Toh phir kabhi wapas nhi aa sakta. Aur jo aadmi kinare ke uss paar jaake wahan ke logon ke saath khush ho, usse phir koi toofani lehron mein daal de, bhala usse zyaada khudgarz kaun hoga’.

I’m glad your afsana that you thought had reached its anjam is finally shaping the way you’d like. Lekin Aapka tarruf aur apse jude talukkat mere liye ab rog bante ja rhe hain. May god bless you with a khoobsurat mod with arzoo, Nikhil.

You mocked me when I called you meri jaan in a video I made in Dubai but I swear on the family I wanted with you, I meant that when I called you that. My Jaan, my rooh, my Jigar.. I meant it every time I said it, isiliye Aaj Aakhri dafa aawaaz de rhe hun Aapko, meri jaan, mere panda… Jaana.. I hope that no more pain is bestowed on you and may you find all the happiness and the love you deserve. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to confront you in person, Atleast Abhi toh I can’t even imagine seeing you in person, but I hope you take care of yourself.

Chalo ek baar phirse ajnabee ban jaaye hum dono.