Hollowed Body

March 24, 2024

Dear Diary,

Today, as I sat alone in the dimly lit corner of my room, I was engulfed by a chilling realization that shattered the fragile illusion of my existence. I don't have a heart. I don't possess a soul. It's a haunting emptiness that gnaws at my being, a void so deep and consuming that it renders me numb to the very essence of humanity.

For years, I've drifted through life wearing masks upon masks, feigning emotions I've never truly felt, mimicking love in its purest form while my insides remained barren and desolate. Every smile, every laugh, every touch was a calculated performance, a charade meticulously orchestrated to appease the expectations of those around me.

But today, as I gazed into the abyss of my own emptiness, I realized the extent of my deceit. I've lied not to shield myself from pain, but to shield the facade I've crafted so meticulously. Each interaction, each relationship, has been nothing more than a fleeting distraction, a temporary reprieve from the suffocating reality of my existence.

Nikhil's words echo in the recesses of my mind, piercing through the veils of denial I've clung to so desperately. "Heartless. Soulless. Whore." The words sting with a brutal truth I can no longer deny. Perhaps he sees through the facade, sees the grotesque truth lurking beneath the surface.

And yet, even as I confront the abyss within, I find myself incapable of breaking free from the shackles of my own creation. I am a prisoner of my own emptiness, condemned to wander through life as a mere shadow of what I once pretended to be. I want to be out but I guess he was right again to say that I was not meant for love. I was not made for him. I mean love. I was not made for love.

What am I if not a vessel devoid of love, devoid of humanity? What purpose do I serve in a world built upon the foundation of emotion and connection? These questions plague my thoughts, tearing at the frayed edges of my sanity.

I hope I find a way to find myself like Tin Man did in Wizard of Oz.. I hope I find a Dorothy to help me find my heart.. and till then I will continue to wear my masks, until the facade becomes my reality, and the emptiness consumes me whole.

Yours in hollow despair,

-Tanvi