Please Comeback

 Jaana,

Probably the last time I ever say ‘Jaana’ again

It’s very painful for me.. a lot.. ghutan ho rhi hai.. feel like someone is choaking me.. ajeeb sa morbid thought aa rhe hain.. stab myself n smear blood all over my face and neck and wail.. wail so loud that there is no voice coming out from me..

Aapse se kuch bhi expect karna besharmi hogi after every jab and stab and pain I’ve given you.. I know aap mujhe kabhi maaf nhi kar sakte and yeh ki aapke zakhm bharne ki meri aukaat nhi

Main hun bahut buri par aapse pehle kabhi bhi khud ko badalne ka khayal nhi aaya kyunki sahi aur galat samjhna nhi chahti thi.. khud ki gandagi dekhi not till you forced me to confront it.. tabhi uss din khan mein aapko kuch nhi bataya..

Aapke saath rehke aapki aur aapke pyaar ki itni beqadri ki.. iska afsos aur sharmindagi Humesha rahegi.. everytime I’ll think of you.. of your smile.. your pain.. your yelling and cries and tears.. everytime I see Bobby.. humesha..har jagah..

Jaate jaate bas yahi bol sakti hun ki I know mere actions ki wajah se mere words ki koi value nhi hai..but I promise to be the woman you thought I was and live my life with honesty and dignity..

Thank you for today’s flight.. your efforts to make this last meeting memorable shows the kind of person you are..

I knew we were not gonna make it yesterday.. my gut yelled and screamed but I didn’t ask hoping as hell that I don’t put ideas if u weren’t thinking so..

You don’t know how blessed and I mean blessed I feel ki jaate jaate I saw that smile, par phir lagta hai isse bada curse koi nhi hai ki yeh sab fake tha.. you think aapke normal pretend karne se I’ll move away? Aapko uss din bhi kaha tha and aaj bhi yahi kehti hun.. I won’t go anywhere.. I’ll still wait.. I want to wait.. I will not fall off track.. no more.. 

Saw that man who taught me with gusto and enthusiasm.. with patience and humour.. and love and oh so much love 😭.. as I write this the way I’ve been feeling since morning.. death would’ve felt better.. like someone just snatched something from my chest and there is this heaving feeling of hollowness and breathlessness n heaviness.. kabhi kisse mein bachpan mein aapse aapka sabse oyaları cheez li hai? Kaise cheenta hai na dosta insan woh pyaari cheez.. aisa cheenta hai ki uske nakhoon se mere haathon pe zakhm hai  

Kisse waqt maybe after many years if we ever come across each other, I hope I’ll be the woman you always wanted me to be.. I always wanted to see you being proud of me.. appreciating me like I heard you do to others chahe personally ya professionally..

I hope I hear a compliment from you before I die..

Take care Baby Panda 

All the best Jigar

Pls don’t go 😭😭😭