Stages of Greif

As I sit here, fingers trembling against the keys, trying to articulate the whirlwind of emotions raging within me, I find myself lost in a labyrinth of regret, sorrow, and self-reflection. It's been two days since he walked away technically but I guess I lost him when he cried on her shoulder in Feb 2023, he's finally back to her, his ex, the one he never truly let go of. And as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, the truth is a heavy burden to bear.

I can't help but replay every moment, every mistake, every lie that led us to this inevitable end. I deceived him, time and again, hiding parts of myself and engaging in behaviors that shattered his trust in me. Each breach of faith was like a crack in the foundation of our relationship, weakening it until it crumbled beneath the weight of my deceit.

But it wasn't just my transgressions that contributed to our downfall. His reactions, fueled by anger and hurt, cut me to the core. The venomous words he spat in moments of vindication still haunt me, leaving gaping wounds. And yet, amidst the pain, there was a rawness, a passion in his defense of her, that I could never compete with. In our final moments together, he laid bare his feelings, his contempt. He made it clear that I could never measure up to her, that I lacked the stature to even speak her name. And though his words pierced me like a thousand daggers, they also served as a cruel reminder of my place in his heart. But nothing and I mean nothing compares to the way he tore me down whenever his ex was mentioned. The venom in his voice, the hatred in his eyes- phew.. I don't know if I can get down that rabbit hole.

In the end, he chose her over me. And as much as it pains me to admit it, I understand why. Their connection was undeniable, a fierce passion that burned brighter than anything I could offer. He found solace in her arms, happiness in her embrace, something that we didn't have for 4 years out of 5 of being together. And I... I was left with nothing but shattered dreams, hearts, and broken promises. I try to find solace in the thought that they were meant to be together, that the intensity of his love for her is something I could never replicate. Perhaps, in her arms, he finds the happiness that always eluded us. I mean, there is less of perhaps and more of the very words,' With her there is no fighting unlike us, where every phone call is a fight'. And so, I am left to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, to walk a path of healing while he embarks on the journey he always longed for—a life with her, a family of their own, perhaps even a son named Shamsher. There is such a struggle in me between the person who did him wrong and the pain that is festering in me for him to have a readily available happy and loving relationship while I struggle to maintain my sanity, my emotions, and my breathing. The only thing how the other side wins is by telling myself that they were meant to be together, that his love for her is irreplaceable. And maybe, just maybe, he's finally found the happiness he deserves after losing in love.

But as I navigate this lonely road, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever find someone who looks at me with the same fervor, who sees in me what he saw in her, who would fight for me, protects me with the same fervor, maybe that would come when I am honest too, when I am an angel to someone too. Until then, I'll carry the weight of my mistakes, the echoes of his words, and the bittersweet memories of a love that was never meant to last. But perhaps, in time, I'll find the strength to heal. And maybe one day, I'll look back on this chapter of my life with a sense of gratitude, knowing that it led me to where I was always meant to be.

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