Bye N

 This is the last time I’ll post something here.

My place to vent kab humari mohobbat ka makbara bann gya I didn’t realise. I don’t think you’ll ever see the blog par kabhi galti se if you do meri jaan, aapke liye ek aakhri khat chode ja rhe hun.

It was very hard to bury the feelings and thoughts and daydreams I was saving for last 5 years. You combing my hair, kids running to greet you at the gate after your flight, you teaching them like uncle taught you and bonding and making them inquisitive, holding me, teasing me, me cracking lame jokes just to see you roll your eyes and laugh, me holding your face, burrowing myself in your chest and inhaling your smell, our travels and dances and mirror hugs. 

It might be burnt but it was beautiful and today I am lamenting the loss of all of this because today I finally accept us. It took me a year and a half to accept us but you saying ‘it isn’t my business anymore’ was my tipping point. The entire flight back these words were a brutal response to even thought of denial I was advocating to protect my bubble of optimism and illusion. 

I accept it. 

I love you but it hurts.

 Like you’re scared I am too but as long as I had the time I should’ve said it more often. I thought I am scared of losing you but aaj realise hua I’ve lost you way back, I’m scared not of losing you but of losing the memories of us, losing the memory of how we felt together, scared of losing the memory of times we were happy, and in my delusion I thought we could recreate what we had and maybe.. just maybe have that little slice of heaven again.

I was wrong.

It might be a morbid thought but it’s true. 

Jaate jaate bas yahi kehna chahungi 

‘Tum aana mere janaze par,

Ek aakhiri haseen mulaqat hogi,

Beshaq mere jism mein jaan na ho,

Par meri jaan toh mere pass hogi’

You’ll always be the man who had my heart. 

I love you forever. Never doubt it. 

Azma ke dekh lena saalon baad bhi. Call me out and I’ll be there.

( I’m taking deep breaths cuz fuck it’s hard, it’s like something so heavy is kept on my chest I can’t breathe. My throat is closing and my vision is blurry. 

Maybe that’s how death feels)