Prayer

 I sort of knew that he wouldn’t text.

It still hurts.

For the first time since I met him I wished for something that terrified me.

I love him but I’m so scared of saying this out loud even to myself because of the things that have happened in the past.

It hurts. I wish it stops hurting. It has stopped hurting him and I can’t bear it any longer.

I just want this hurt to stop and aaj when I tried to see his roster and realised he changed the password was another jolt.

The rational side of me is saying things such as what else did you expect out of him, he was scared like a jittery cat, but I still hoped that something he’d see.. the rational side of my brain questions his ‘acts of love’ too, things he did or said in love.

I don’t know..

I’m tired and so so fatigued.

I want this to end now.

So I prayed.

Please Mata, please I still love him. I still think of him and his voice and his smile. He still is part of my everyday without being present and he doesn’t even know it. He doesn’t know what he is to me, but it hurts. All this hurts so bad that it’s like being slowly burned and being tied to a chair. You can’t leave the chair so you choose to withstand the pain. I still have thoughts that revolve around him with other women because that has happened so many times. About him and her. I don’t want to love him anymore mata it hurts too bad. I prayed for my Mehboob and lost his mohobbat. He was with me for years but his love kept fading and now his touch is alien to me. I know you love him more than me. I know. Hum dono ka dard khatam kardo please. I don’t want him to hurt anymore. Help him heal and help me forget my feelings for him mata. I don’t want to love him anymore. Please mata please I beg you. 

I hope my absence gives him the peace that my presence couldn’t. 😭 

I wanted to be the person who made him happy, but somewhere along the way my presence seemed to bring more chaos than comfort. Despite my best efforts my love became a burden than a blessing. I swear I did care for him mata and I still do and probably anyways will. My heart will skip a beat if i I hear about him or see or hear him. Par Shayad phir zameen se khada na ho paon Mata. Mujhe shakti dena ki unke saamne yeh kamzoori na dekhe. Please mata. Dard ho rha hai mata, bahut bahut bahut ziyada. I can’t bear it. I hope he finds the calm and clarity he needs, one that I couldn’t give. Unko sahi raste pe rakhna mata, he’s started to go towards the dark side. He isn’t this person. Please help him. I wish aapne humari kismat mein yeh na likha hota mata. I don’t want him to hate him. Unki nafrat meri maut ki wajah hai. Yeh azmaish se hum dono ko Azaad karo mata. May he always smile and give me the strength to fight my weakness and be content in his tshirts and smiles.