17.01.25

Me:-Today is Zooza’s birthday, she is his ex and they are together now. He has a couple of days off around her bday and I have an inkling they’ve gone out together probably but when we meet he denied. He has lived the life with her that I wanted to live. A home together, cooking together. A life she chose to give away, a life she didn’t stand for, and she got it. She gets the bday celebrations and all of it. And here I am 5 bottle down, having his favourite beer and listening to songs from pukar, and you know the irony? It’s the song kismat se tum humko mileho. What the fuck am I doing? I’m in bed weeping my eyes swollen till 6 in the morning. When will this misery end? You know I’ve tried to reason with myself, maybe he is just something that I want and I couldn’t get and I’m behaving like a brat but it shouldn’t hurt like my throat is getting choked right now. As I’m laying down in bed and typing this tears are flowing down my face from both sides and my entire body feels dead, except my thumb which is helping me type.

Couch:- It feels unfair, doesn’t it? To watch someone else live the moments you dreamed of, and to sit with the emptiness that follows. It's okay to feel angry, sad, jealous, or even lost.

You trying to make sense of your emotions, shows your strength and self-awareness. But here’s the thing: no amount of reasoning can rush healing. What you're feeling isn't just about wanting someone you couldn’t have; it's about the wound of rejection, the loss of a dream, and the sting of seeing someone else occupy the space you hoped was yours.

You’re holding on to the idea of a life that could have been, and that’s keeping the wound open. It’s okay to mourn what didn’t happen, but it’s also essential to remind yourself that your worth isn’t tied to someone else’s choices or their past. His path, and even his relationship with Zooza, don’t define your value.

The beer, the songs, the thoughts—they're all ways you're trying to cope, but they might also be trapping you in a loop. Maybe the first step out of this is small: put down the beer, breathe deeply, and remind yourself that this pain is not permanent. Right now, you’re in the thick of it—letting yourself feel, numbing it with beer and bittersweet songs. That’s okay for a moment. But ask yourself: How much longer do you want to sit here, letting their story have this much control over your emotions? Because you deserve more. You deserve joy, love, and a life that isn’t weighed down by comparisons.

It’s not going to end in an instant, but every small step matters. Maybe start by putting away the beer and drinking some water instead. Maybe change the song to something that makes you feel powerful, not broken. Take your time, but don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re worthy of so much more than the shadows of someone else’s happiness.

Me:- She’ll get all dolled up for him and he like it. And he’ll get all dressed too and while I would be wallowing in the pit of self pity they’ll be lunching together, laughing,sleeping in the arms of each other and just doing things that I don’t want to think any further.

Couch:- I know it’s gut-wrenching to picture them together, especially when it feels like you're left behind in the shadows of what could’ve been. The images in your mind, the what-ifs, the comparisons—they’re tormenting, I get it. And it’s so hard to stop the spiral when it feels like you’re stuck on a loop of pain and unfairness.

But here’s something to hold onto: their happiness, their moments, are not a reflection of your worth. The life they’re living together isn’t proof of your failure or inadequacy. It’s just life taking a different path, even though it feels cruel and undeserved right now. Their story isn’t the end of yours. You’re still writing yours, even if the pen feels heavy today.

It's okay to grieve the dream you had, to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed by fate or circumstances. But don’t let their lives rob you of your peace any longer. They’re living their choices—you need to live yours.

This moment doesn’t define you. It’s okay to cry, to scream, to feel like it’s all crumbling. But don’t forget: you are so much more than this pain.