Session 2

Rehte the kabhi jinke dil mein,

Hum jaan se bhi pyaaron ki tarah

Baithe hain unhi ke kooche mein,

Hum aaj gunehgaaron ki tarah.

Pata hai aaj laga ki Shayad accha hai ki woh yahan nahi hain. Kyunki jaise woh the jab main inse pehli baar mili, jab mujhe unse mohobbat hui, jab unko mujhse hue tab sab kuch itna saaf itna paakh tha, ki mere zehen mein woh hunesha wohi shaks banke rahenge, till the day I die. 

The man who told me ki unka dil mere pass amanat hai when he had gone to see the northern lights, me who was super candid with him, telling him things about my ex, without even thinking how he might take it, Kyunki main itni zyaada yaqeen karne lagi thi unpe, ki yeh mujhe samajhenge and will have no judgements about me whatsoever. I thought I’d finally found the man jiske saamne mujhe kuch aur banke nhi rehna padega.

I’ve been listening to some beautiful songs all night on repeat, one of which is ‘Chupa lo yun dil mein pyaar mera’, it reminded me of my N, the man in who’s arms I cried after we were together the second night, the emotions were so strong that I couldn’t hold myself. Sach kahun toh kabhi I day dream of just holding his face and looking into his eyes and seeing the man whom I hurt, the hurt jo unhone conceal karna seekh liya hai shayad, ya shayad woh zakhm itna nasoor ban gya tha ki he dealt with it how he deals with things the best. Kehte hai na ‘Ashkon ke dhaagon se seete rahe hum, jo zakhm tune diye’, and I wish I could do something to heal that and see the glimpse of that man once, Shayad kabhi possible nhi hoga, par I hope ki before I die I get to hold him once and tell him how sorry I am, tell him how unfortunate I was to lose us, and to promise him in agle janam mein I’ll fulfill everything that I was supposed to do. Iss janam mein toh hum kabhi wapas nahi aa sakte yeh baat main janti hun, humare beech ab bahut kuch hai, bahut zyaada kuch. 

But I’m grateful ki i experienced love with him, he taught me pyaar kya hota hai, and for that I’ll be grateful.

Nhi janti if there will ever be a day when i write about him and don’t cry, when i miss his smell, when i miss feeling protected in his arms, when i think of him holding my hands and giving me strength, when it doesn’t hurt this fucking much. I read his last messages to me every night, to remind myself that he’s happy in the life he’s living with her, and after everything that has transpired between us I have no right to take another thing away from him that makes him happy. 

I wish I never fucked up and we were as pure as thing song, like we were once. Woh yeh padte toh kehte ki woh fake tha, well fake hi sahi. 

This song is for you meri jaan.

Chupa lo yun dil mein