NTSR

Tonight the garden didn’t scare me.

It won’t anymore.

It was 2am in the morning but it didn’t scare me.

My family was murdered when they slept peacefully in bed yesterday. The murderer has no reason to be here anymore so I’m writing. 

My shamsher, my beautiful boy, you know he looked like me, hair like me and smile too, but rumi looked like her dad, that big wide gorgeous smile. I used to call it a 440 volt ki smile, she looked just like her papa when she gave that ‘what’s-the-gossip’ expression. And my jaan, the perfect man, kind soul, compassionate and a beautiful human, brutally stabbed by his look-alike. 

I want my hands to stop shivering so that when I see him I can stab him. 

I was away. I kept the distance. I was at peace.

I used to put my kids to bed and sleep in the arms of my husband, with him holding me from behind, and I just came back home at 0338 in the morning after burying them. Buried my mangalsutra today and my ring. 

I wish him havoc. He destroyed my world. My home. 

The only thing I had which kept me strong. Kept me strong to fight him, I couldn’t protect meri jaan, my kids, my home.

I wish someone kills me. I wish he in reality killed me. He killed their memory.

I can’t even remember them I can’t. I hate him. I hate him! 

God take him away from my life or take my life! What will I live on ? What!? WHAT!

I have wailed in the garden today and if Mata has heard me tonight then please help me. Make him suffer this pain. I was away. I was away. I had left him alone, but he couldn’t leave me alone. 

Either give me power to kill him or kill me.