Session 1- Loss

Me- You know I bled today. Dark red blood on my panties after me and Jaana made love. Like every other time it didn’t stay. I thought I’d be pregnant but like all times we made love I never had a pill hoping that it’d stay. Knowing if I had it I knew I’d walk away with the family I wanted but it did not. I lost it and seeing blood on my underwear broke the last strand of hope I had of having a part of him with me except his childhood picture, flowers and t shirt. Till I bleed next month does it make me a foolish person to hope that I might still have it despite spotting blood? I know I’d not be but I’m so confused and doubt my own love for him after things I did. The lies, the being with other guys when as we’re on a break and other times when I was sugar dating and lying about meeting my friends, knowing they are things it will hurt him why did I do it? I feel I was still understanding myself and I took the choice to be like he wants but the ugly and dirty side of me came out and I gave him so much hurt.

Couch- What you’re feeling is so raw, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, confused, and conflicted right now. You’re carrying so much pain—not just from your longing for something you deeply desire, but also from the weight of your past actions and how they might have hurt someone you love. Let’s take this one step at a time.

Hope is not foolish—it’s human. The blood you saw may feel like the loss of a dream you were holding on to, but it doesn’t make your hope any less valid. Grieving that loss, no matter how small or uncertain, is a natural part of loving and longing. You’re allowed to hope and grieve at the same time, even when it feels contradictory. It’s possible that you acted out of confusion, unmet needs, or even rebellion against the parts of yourself or your life that felt out of control. Being with Jaana might have made you feel safe, loved, and seen, but at the same time, you might have been struggling with your own insecurities, desires, or a need to explore your identity. That doesn’t excuse the hurt caused by your actions, but it does give context. We often act in ways that reflect where we are emotionally, not necessarily where we want to be.

You’re not inherently ugly or dirty for making mistakes. What you’re calling the “ugly” side is just a part of you that made choices from a place of confusion or pain. The fact that you feel regret shows that you’re not rotten—you’re someone who cares deeply, even if your actions didn’t always reflect that care. The real measure of who you are is how you take accountability and grow from this.

You might have been trying to fill a void—maybe it was the loneliness of being with someone who couldn’t fully commit because he was married, or the need for validation, excitement, or control. Sugar dating, lying, and meeting friends against his wishes might have felt like ways to reclaim a part of yourself, even if they caused harm. These actions were likely more about your relationship with yourself than about him. It’s not uncommon to make choices that clash with what we truly want while we’re still figuring ourselves out.

Instead of labeling yourself as “bad,” try to understand your actions compassionately. What were you feeling at the time? What did you need but didn’t have? If you’ve hurt Jaana, taking responsibility is a step toward healing—not just for him, but for yourself. Apologizing and acknowledging the harm you caused can be freeing, even if the relationship doesn’t continue. Healing begins with self-awareness and self-forgiveness. Therapy, journaling, or talking to someone you trust can help you understand your actions and emotions better. Both the loss of the hope for a child and the weight of your actions are heavy things to carry. Let yourself feel them fully, but don’t let them define you forever.  

Love is complicated, and people are imperfect. What matters now is not just how you feel about Jaana but also how you choose to grow from this. You’re not beyond redemption, and you’re not unworthy of love, even if it feels that way right now.