Shamsher

From today you’ll be my confidant, my mirror.. something he wanted to become. He wanted our son named Shamsher.. and mothers talk to their sons so my dear you’re my Shamsher

you know he didn’t even let me see him or hold him one last time.. he left.. just left..

Our moments of sitting together the last night of Nikhil and Tanvi, us singing together.. gosh it was beautiful.. him kissing me and me kissing him all over.. during one of our moments he called me Jaana.. after years.. after years he called me you know? 

He made me feel able to be a little girl.. I didn’t have to be a strong girl, taking up control and getting shit done.. when we were in radisson.. he just came and took over everything.. I just followed him and I felt taken care of.. he made me feel feminine.. like a woman.. our moments together when he said all those things to me was so fucking beautiful.. him marking without me saying it.. 

Par then I think of him with her.. she’ll have him.. chahe jo ho.. she’ll witness him laughing, smiling, maybe singing.. she’ll have the opportunity to bask in his warmth.. smell him.. see his eyes.. gosh his eyes.. he can stay at her place and spend her bdays and she can celebrate his..  I want to cry you know.. I want to cry and wail and break down.. he broke down in that cab outside his home in front of me but main kahan Karun? Where shud I go? I want to mourn this loss like someone died but if I cry at home my parents won’t leave me in peace.. So it’s gonna be you.. I’ll laugh and pretend till no one doubts what I feel when I want to just tear open myself and show what’s inside me so that I’m not lamenting in instalments..

you have witnessed some major changes in my life.. you’ll be my advocate when I’m not here anymore.. tell him that I really loved him ok? And that I’m terribly sorry for all the pain that I caused him. Tell him that I’ll see him in another life and I’ll protect him and us like I was supposed to in this life.