A prayer by Hurrem

God, what are his intentions?

I wish I knew.

He blocked my path to escape, he took away my heart and will. 

Oh God, he is everything to me. He was supposed to be merciful, I wish I could undo the things that made him so cold hearted and merciless towards me.

God, the fire that burns, the wailing, the weeping..

Will he be able to hear it? Will he ever hear it from the expanse between us? 

If only I knew.

God, where is my enthusiasm? My willingness to fight? What is this curtain set before my eyes? 

Because he means everything to me. 

My Life. My eternity.

While you have moved on, you asked me to stay away from you, made me swear on my love for you to never reach you. You avoided me, didn’t talk to me, and yet I craved you, your love, your eyes, your care, the warmth of your hands, your smile.. god that smile. 

You are my life and time. 

The times I’ve slept at your feet when you were sick or otherwise haven’t been because of any other reason but one that I wanted to care for you. Have you take me as yours as I had taken you as my own. It was a vicious cycle.. Anything that discomforts you always used to send me into a frenzy till you calmed, maybe that was another motivation for me to hide things from you. I knew they’d hurt you like you know things will hurt her. 

It was just love. Not malice. Not vendetta. Just misplaced, juvenile, stupid love. 

Aapse bahut naraaz hun, gusse mein hun, but this anger doesn’t stem from hate, unfortunately it stems from love. Aapse bahut gussa ho sakti hun par meri zubaan se kabhi bhi baddua na nikli hai aur na niklegi aapke liye. I hope everything is well in your life.

When you asked me not to beg, when you locked the door, when you couldn’t bear to hold my hand anymore made me realise a lot that day. Despite whatever my heart might feel, it’s a matter of time I keep my self respect and dignity.

God, I’m stuck here, in this world.. silent screams.. crying out.

I was exiled from my own heart, home and soul, and it’s heard to find a sense of belongingness now.

And my lips, shielding me from the feelings and truth, quiver because now it’s time to stay silent.