All because I liked a Boy

 All because I liked a Boy - Sabrina Carpenter 

Since 8th January, I have not been living time normally.

Days don’t move forward — they collapse into each other.

17th Jan is a date and the name of Misfortune. Many times I pity that girl because she doesn’t know him like I do. I took his wrath and pain and insecurities from all his previous relationships so that he could flower her with Zooza. I took the brunt of him sleeping with cabin crews and sending me photos of them, not one, not twice, but multiple times. It was me who picked him up at 1 in the night after he was bawling in BLR and got him home to comfort him because i saw how disturbed he was, and him? Next morning while leaving he told he could see me calling my guy friends over for dinners and two days after that Arzoo called and he was over her like fly over cake. 

I am mentioning this here because anyone who might read this might believe that i am still in love with Nikhil but I’m not. 

I am attached to the life I dreamt with that spineless man. Wanted him to be a father to my kids and I’m glad it will never happen.

He doesn’t have it in him to stand by me, or for me to stand by him. He deserves a woman who is weak, for whom he is a convenient option.

What did he lose? What did arzoo lose? Nothing.

Zilch.

But me? I lost my respect in front of my parents for being in love with a man who was married. My family, my friends, my relatives.. everyone knew about him in my life but he? 

Quite initially he told me that our relationship was a black spot that he would never acknowledge but i was so blind that i never understood what it would mean. 

His baiting.. god he use to bait me.. everytime I did something that he didn’t like, from me going to a flight to talking to someone or staying later at my cousins.. he used to get angry.. fight and then be like ‘ we were improving and then you did xyz things and now you lost your chance’

I was so open and honest with him that i talked to him about how i sneaked my ex from my home. Can you imagine? Which girl in her right mind would? But I did because I trusted him. He was able to share everything with me because I beared the brunt of everything he said, i created that safe space for him. But he?? He never did.

He made that space more isolated and claustrophobic. Asked me to cut off from my friends but didn’t want to give me time, and so much more.

He took access of my WhatsApp web within 3 months of us dating and I didn’t know about it till a year. Till he said that he was reading my chats with his very brother. They weren’t anything malicious except the fact that I lied to him that I was speaking, because a prior fight about the same topic lead to a very heated conversation amongst us.

I wish that the moral high horse he sits at, someone should tell him what he has done.

I didnt stop loving him, yes i was angry, i was despaired, i was hurt, i was broken.. Even when he beat me blue multiple times, even when i told him that I didn’t love him, even when he took arzoo to goa in my flight, even when he only reached out to me to release, even when he use to go to meet her and stay over after meeting me, even when he called me a whore, a beggar, taunting and humiliating me, threatening to strip me naked when arzoo stopped talking to him, even then.

Even then i loved this man. I dont know why. Maybe because i fell in love with the potential of this man rather than the man himself. 

But I broke when i asked for his help one time, a time when someone with whom he asked me to part ways was the only one who stood by me. Had she not been there I don’t know how I would’ve survived the surgery. And he was so non chalant, I can’t ever forgive him for that, leaving me alone without even asking if I made it Alive. No text. No call. Like i was to deal away with a problem. O know his wife packed her things and left, but fuck i am bleeding, i had something scrapped and scooped out of me, atleast ask how the fuck am i reaching home?? I can never forgive him for that. He doesn’t ever deserve to be a father. He doesn’t have what it takes. He used to tell me that I don’t deserve to be a mother but i can see other peoples pain despite my own, very much unlike him. He could never see my pain when he was going through his.

All I ever wanted was acknowledgement from my man. That’s it. The way he acknowledged his friends wife for staying by him. I did it too. 

I worked 5 jobs at a time to pay of his loans. And he? What did he do? He fought with me because my colleagues were making small talk. He fought because i edited chats to avoid a fight that would’ve taken place because texted me late in the night coz of time zone issues, but it still did.

Forget about thanking he didn’t give two flying fucks about how I would do it. And I ? I lied to my parents, searched for jobs, multi task so that he wouldn’t have to take money from his wife. Used to write articles mid flights so that post landing i could stay online on the other jobs. 

I realise that this man isn’t someone from whom i should be expecting acknowledgement.

He isn’t that man. He doesn’t deserve that place. I kept him there because of my love for him but as and how his actions are surfacing he is disgusting me.  

He used to say about ‘taking things on your chin’ but i can assure that he will never tell Arzoo the entire truth. Absolute honest truth about things how it happened. Not just by me but by him too. You know why? Because he thinks he did nothing wrong. And forget about Everything, even if he tells arzoo about what had transpired between him and me after he met her, I’ll be surprised. 

He isn’t worried that arzoo is weak. Maybe he is. But he knows how she’ll react when she knows the entirety of things. When she knows that I wasn’t just a random person, that i flew them on their first trip to goa, the same destination which was our last trip just 4 months before. That he met me multiple times from 2023-25 amidst their times together. 

For me he wasn’t a choice. Never was. Because had that been the case no one in my life would know about his existence, but me being the idiot i am boasted about him. Whereas he? His friends that themselves have had multiples affairs weren’t aware about him n me.. or so i was told which was another lie.

He, now after dumping on me all his emotional chaos and trauma from all his marriages and his initial relationship with arzoo, now gets to walk out clean like a pure person and tell me that now he calls the cabin crew beta. It’s so morbid that it’s hilarious. 

That he a clean person now. Kyun nahi hoge, khud toh ek bhi cheez Ki responsibility li nahi. Na mere saath na arzoo ke saath. Arzoo ke saath toh denial mein hi hai kyunki uss bechari ko toh kuch maloom hi nahi.

Yes the only thing I did wrong what wanting it all. Wanting my friends, him, wanting them to have a good relationship, him and my sister to bond well, and so much more. And I lied to keep it all and after a point it was fear, just senseless fear. Coz had it been malicious intent, which he knows it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have lied to him about swap request chat, about a female friend coming over, about baseless things. He blamed me which yes I’m at fault for but he never made a space for me to tell him everything without fear and judgement. 

He tells me he doesn’t trust my words coz Maine jhooti kasam khaayi apne parents Ki. Haan khai. Sitting next to me in a car after he’s already spat on me and beaten me earlier, insaan itne darr mein kya karega?  Usko jhooti kasam yaad hai but yeh yaad hai how he spat on my face while my mother was incessantly calling me in background? Usnein ek healthy relationship promote karne ke liye kya kiya? Yeh bolna Ki tell me everything and then days later bringing it up and cussing at me and punishing me for it? Yeh hai safe space?? 

Jaate jaate he was blaming me for his marriage going bad. Me?? The one who wasn’t into him till weeks of us dating. Never told him i loved him till time had passed. When he told me the truth about his marriage, i asked him to fix it and make it work. He gave the me example of a bottomless bucket. Not me. Until last year i was telling him to make his relationship work when he called me weeping and crying because he didn’t know who else to reach to because he was alone and then he has the guts to tell me that his marriage would’ve survived had i not been there. 

Wow. Just wow. 

I have no respect for him anymore. Maine bhi galtiyaan Ki hai bahut. Bahut galtiyaan par humesha accept kiya hai. Him on the contrary never took any responsibility for his actions always saying that he reacted. 

How many times will u react on me going out on you when we were on a break? I went out on you twice in 2021. Till 2025, you sleeping with cabin crews, whores, and who ever else you met in a club or arzoo was a retribution?? 

Because i stepped out till the lobby in Istanbul you fucked Shikha sharma the cabin crew and was having bfast with her the next day, and then send me a picture of hers with you??

Because i couldn’t come to our flight and fell sick you decide to call a whore in Ahmedabad and sleep with her  while sleeping with me there in the same bed just hours later?? 

When you start photography i ask you to help me take pictures of me but you never do. Remember y? You said you never took pictures of things you love because they never stayed in your life. What a fucking fool was I to believe you. What an idiot.

 And yet when Rahib took my pictures for a photoshoot of my designs who called me names??? You were the first person i reached out to for my pictures yet you decided to take pictures of cabin crew in your bedroom with them wearing skimpy wear but not me. 

Tumhare liye sirf yeh izzat hai ab Ki tumne mujhe mera kaam sikhaya initially. Aur kuch nahi. 

Im grateful that I didn’t bear that kid. 

I woke up with a heaviness I can’t place in words. Some mornings it’s grief. Some mornings it’s rage. Some mornings it’s just emptiness — like something vital has been removed and my body hasn’t figured out how to compensate.

I keep replaying things I didn’t know I was storing so carefully.

Words. Moments. Rejections. Silences.

I remember how much I loved him. And I hate myself for how much I still do.

I feel angry — not the loud kind, but the kind that burns in the chest and makes breathing uncomfortable. The kind that asks why did I carry all of this alone? The kind that realises I was always trying to fix, explain, soften, absorb.

I feel embarrassed.

Embarrassed that I begged.

Embarrassed that I tried to be seen by someone who had already decided not to look.

Embarrassed that I kept receipts of love — memories, blogs, feelings — while he could barely remember the name of something that once held my entire heart.

Right now, I don’t want answers.

I don’t want closure.

I don’t want lessons.

I just want to be honest about how brutal it feels to lose someone and lose your sense of self at the same time.

This is not me asking to be saved.

This is not me asking to be understood by the people who couldn’t.

This is me recording the truth of what it feels like to survive something that didn’t end cleanly — something that ended by erosion.

If healing has a beginning, maybe it starts here —

not with forgiveness,

not with strength,

but with refusing to lie about how much this hurt.